Monday, 13 October 2008

Day 29 +7

Well I haven't felt much like doing any blogging for a while... Not like me at all.
To be dead honest I have been really bummin lately. It's been 11 weeks since we sent off my Spousal VISA application. Initially we were both sure it would show up in 4-6 weeks. I applied for jobs...have had some good offers. I have done my best to keep my mind busy...with my wife being the driving force behind that. But I am nearly at the end of my rope some days, at least mentally. My mind was completely clouded. Kind of turning within myself. Not wanting to do anything I used to enjoy. I had set my camera down, stopped writing, didn't want to take any trips.
Then a couple weeks ago my wife and I traveled to Portsmouth. I was on my way to see the UK's reigning expert on PTSD. Dr Morgan O' Connell. I was fairly nervous. I knew he was the MAN to talk to. Probably knows more than a few experts in the states.
While waiting for him down stairs in the Royal Maritime Club....we were introduced to another ex-service member from the British Army....I briefly met him..really just shook his hand..and then went upstairs to talk to the DOC. It was a good experience for me. Doc O'Connell seems like the first person I have spoke to who truly understands the plight of a combat medic. The guy genuinely cares about the people he sees. He treats you with respect and dignity. I trust him. I could tell I was going to trust him as soon as I met him. He dug up somethings from before the war...before when I was in 21...Bosnia...and we began working our way forward. Things I haven't thought about for a number of years. We sat and talked for alittle over an hour.
And then as it began, it was over. We shook hands and parted...probably will see him in early November. I hope so.
Down stairs...Lucy had been chatting to the guy we met. turns out his name is MO...and he too lives in Andover. He passed her his card...told me to give him a call.

Well a week went by before I had the nerve to call. I just grabbed the phone last thing I know he was stopping by to pick me up. Introducing me to people...
I felt a huge wave of relief spread over me. I was beginning to think I was some kind of social pariah. On Saturday....he picked me up at 6am...Him and his mate(buddy) were going spearfishing. I was just along for the ride. To be near the coast.
I have to say it was nice to be able to be near my ocean again. It has been a good many years since i have been able to sit on the beach and clear my mind of all thoughts.
As I sat there I thought about my life. The places I have been to, people I have met...I know I have had quite a different life then most. Since I was 9 or 10...I started doing things other's only dreamed of. I took a great bit of solace in the fact that I have had a fairly charmed life. I have done so many things I have wanted to do. Seen 4 out 7 continents. Been to 30 + countries. Played instruments in front of huge crowds...via drum and bugle corp..I can imagine it is the same rush rock stars get when they walk out in front of an arena. I fought for my country, saved lives and even delivered babies. I have imparted my knowledge onto family friends and fellow soldiers. I have done well. I don't want to stop now. I think that is what is getting me down. I feel like I am useless. my worse nightmare. I don't want to become part of the drone. I won't lie and say money doesn't fuel me to some extent. It does. I just don't need millions to be happy. I am happiest when I am traveling. moving.....exploring....and teaching.
Saturday was a godsend for me. I think if I stay on this new path...with some help from my new friends, my wife....I will be fine.
The place we went to is called Durdle Door. It is along the Jurassic Coast. The view front the cliffs is breathtaking! I highly recommend it to anyone needing time to relax or just clear their head.


Lucky Dragonfly said...

Are your legs still aching from all the cliff walking? I will take you into Lulworth Cove soon xx